Kitties Resources

Marriage is serious business. After all, for most people the person we marry is someone with whom we share our home, money, and love – and even our kids! And, marriage is forever – or at least that is how most people intend it to be when they get married. Most married people spend a significant amount of their personal time in close proximity to their spouses. In order to take a lighter view on the serious business of marriage, I have collected some of my favorite funny bits of folk wisdom and advice on the subject of how to keep your marriage healthy, healthy, and strong. So, here is some funny marriage advice to make your marriage stronger: 1. Don’t date anyone you wouldn’t marry: This one is really more of a comment on how to conduct oneself before marriage. For most people, dating is as much a way to have fun as it is to find a life mate. After all, dating often includes going out on the town, having some good food, maybe a bit of dancing – doing things that are outside of the ordinary, hum-drum of pattern daily life. But, this piece of advice implies something important about dating: it can lead to something much more serious. If you go out on date after date with someone about whom you are not necessarily crazy (but are just doing it to have a bit of fun), the strategy could backfire on you. Things might get serious before realize it, and you could end up compromising and marry the wrong person. 2. Don’t fight about money – there is never enough to go around anyway: As most married couples will tell you, money is one of the biggest sources of conflict within a marriage. Money – and how we handle it – is so personal and no two people view it in exactly the same way. Combine that with the fact that most married couples share their money; that is, they add to and take from the same “pot” on a regular, ongoing basis. And, for most people, there just never seems to be enough money to do all of the things we want to do. The solution? Realize that there will probably always be a bone to pick between you regarding how each of you handles money – but that is no reason to fight. Just agree to disagree on the small stuff and move on. 3. If you are a woman: do not expect your husband to change after marriage: Women, be honest with yourselves: if you are like most women, when you married your husband you had all sorts of specific expectations about ways he would become an even better or more pleasing person post-marriage. This is just a huge fantasy, so you need to let this notion go! Of course, married men do change over time. But, such change is not always necessarily for the better, and it is very unlikely that the things a woman dislikes most about her husband are going to magically go away. The best advice for women is to not expect your man to change and to try to accept him for who he is. 4. If you are a man: do not expect your wife not to change after marriage: Calling all men: when you married that perfect little bride of yours, you formed a mental picture in your mind of what she was (or what you imagine her to be). As time passes, you may have noticed that the gap between the person your wife is today and that mental image of how she “used to” be is getting larger and larger. Fact is, most men start reminiscing about the way things were (or they way they thought things were) with their wives before they got married, lamenting the ways she has changed since then. Here is a little piece of advice: embrace the changes she has gone through and enjoy the ride! 5. Never have breakfast together: This last one really hits home with me. Neither my wife or I are morning people. When we get up each morning, we need to give each other as wide a berth as possible, lest we risk getting our heads removed by the grumpy monster in the room. That means staying out of each other’s way for at least the first half hour in the morning. And, of course, having breakfast together immediately after getting up in the morning is completely out of the question! Making a marriage successful requires a lot of hard work and patience. At the same time, keeping a good sense of humor about your marriage can actually be very good medicine.

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Everyone loves to win an award but sometimes you want to be careful of what you wish for because you may just get it. Winning an award is always fun and it is nice to be recognized. Maybe you won employee of the month at work or perhaps your civic work caused your community to recognize you with an outstanding citizen award. But not every award is one you want to put on your mantle and show off to your family and friends. There is a company in Upstate New York that has a bowling tournament every year. First place is a lovely golden bowling pin for the winner to proudly display. Last prize, and there is a last prize, is an old bowling shoe referred to as the Smelly Shoe Award. An old smelly bowling shoe is not what you want sitting on the mantle at home. Of course it is all in fun but some awards and recognitions can be a little critical and sometimes downright mean. Mr. Blackwell was a well-known fashion critic who released two lists every year that were highly anticipated. The first was the best-dressed celebrity list and to make it on that list meant a whole new level of recognition from the media and possible opportunities in show business. The other list was the top ten worst dressed celebrities and that was a list that usually meant you would find a rather unattractive picture of yourself in a national tabloid magazine. So Mr. Blackwell’s worst dressed celebrity is definitely not an award you want to win. But that pales in comparison to what the movie industry has to offer. Few industries have as many awards as the movie industry. Between the Academy Awards, the Golden Globes, and the People’s Choice Awards there are hundreds of award winners every year in Hollywood and that does not count things like the Kids Choice Movie Awards or the MTV Movie Awards either. But as good as Hollywood can be at patting itself on the back there are always Hollywood outsiders who are willing to let Hollywood know that not every movie is an award winner. The desire to keep Hollywood in its place has spawned some funny trophies and award shows and the top funny Hollywood award show of them all is the Razzies. The Razzies is short for the Golden Raspberry Award and it is given every year for the worst actors and worst movies Hollywood put out for the previous year. The trophy is a large golden raspberry and, needless to say, very few Hollywood celebrities show up to the ceremony each year to collect their award. In recent years Hollywood has been continually accused of having no worthwhile movies coming out and that has caused an increase in the media exposure of the Razzies and its accompanying ceremony every year. Many Oscar winning movies are awarded Razzies and it looks like the Razzies will be around for a very long time.

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As in day to day conversation, being funny in public speaking is a great skill to possess. It has a number of benefits for the speaker in helping to win over your audience. And in certain circumstances it is expected, e. g. after dinner speeches the audience wants light relief rather than a deep discussion. However, if you are not comfortable in using humor in your speech, it can still be an interesting and informative for your listeners. It is important to note the reason you were invited to speak – your expertise and to deliver a speech on a subject that will be of interest to the audience. If they had wanted to be entertained they would have invited an entertainer. For a speech to be successful the following ingredients are required:– Know you subject in depth. Become an expert in your subject by drawing on your own experience and researching other sources. Your audience can tell when you have a shallow understanding of your subject. A deep understanding of your subject builds confidence. – Know your listener’s wants, expectations and their background. This knowledge is vital when preparing your speech – different audiences will require different approaches to the delivery of your speech e. g. a professional organisation will probably require a different presentation to one given to a sales convention- Be thoroughly prepared. Prepare a detailed outline of your speech. Then practice until you are confident about delivering your speech. If possible practice your delivery in front of your family and friends. Ask for feedback and incorporate any improvements into your speech. Thorough preparation is key to the confident and successful delivery of your speech. – Your language and delivery should be conversational in style. This is more likely to happen when you talk from an outline rather than reading your speech, or where you have memorized the speech. A memorized speech or one read maybe stilted and be in the language of print rather than that used in everyday conversation. Your audience will relate more to day to day language than fancy language. It is the language they use every day. But in your first appearances it can be easier to read or memorize your speech and alter the language to that of spoken rather than written language. – Be interested and enthusiastic about the topic you are speaking about. The interest and enthusiasm you demonstrate will win your audience over. In conclusion you do not have to be funny to be successful in public speaking. Public speaking is about the effective communication of ideas to your listener. Humor can make that easier but it is not essential. A well delivered speech that is interesting and informative can be as effective as one delivered with humor.

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I often wonder why I wake up so happy, ready to start the day. When I was younger I’d whack the alarm clock, for the fourth time, grumble out of bed and stomp around with a major sour puss. Now I’m up before the alarm clock most mornings, and I don’t grumble, not as often as I used to anyway. I’m often anxious to see what the day will bring.

I think I’ve stumbled upon the reason for my early rise and my cheery outlook. My wife. Yes, she brightens up my days and has given me tremendous motivation, though she still sleeps later than I do, and she tends to grumble, though not too badly.

There’s another reason, and this also involves my wife. I believe that laughter is the best medicine, and she makes me laugh. More so, I think a happy attitude is contagious, and the reason I wake up happy might be this: my wife laughs in her sleep.

I kid you not. She laughs out loud. So loud that I’m frequently awakened by her nocturnal guffaws. Sometimes it begins as a chuckle, but many times the laughter just erupts, like she just saw the funniest thing in the world. How can I help but be amused and feel happy myself when I’m treated to this many nights out of a week.

There’s more. . . while still asleep, she tells me what she was laughing about. Here’s are the most recent accounts. . .

One night she rolls over and begins her laughing. I wake up, and wait for her to settle down. Then I ask “What’s so funny?”

I wasn’t expecting a response, but to my surprise she answered me while still sound asleep. She said “Mrs. Juniper said the juniper wouldn’t grow much taller than two feet, but she planted it and the damn thing took off, and it’s still growing! Ha ha ha ha. . . . ” Then she began to snore again.

I shook my head, rolled over and settled in for the remainder of the night, knowing that we’d both get a kick out the story when I recalled it the following day. We did.

The most recent episode was even better, stranger. This time it seemed like I was already awake before she started laughing, maybe she had been chuckling first and that roused me. Either way, when she stopped her laughter I decided to see if she would talk again.

I asked “Okay, what’s so funny this time?”

Her reply was classic. A truly original rambling by a sleeping brain. She said “Orville Redenbacher’s plane wouldn’t fly so they were trying to hang Orville Redenbacher’s plane over the bed by a string. Ha ha ha ha. . . . ” Then she conked out.

Again I shook my head, rolled over and anticipated the break of day, when I would share the tale from her sleeping brain with her alert brain. I couldn’t wait to see her reaction.

I ask you, being a natural marvel, capable of great intellect, doesn’t the human brain have better things to think about? The mechanics of slumbering gray matter perplex me.

Why she laughs in her sleep I don’t know, but I’m glad she does. I’m happily married, and I assure you, that will never change!

I’m looking forward to more of her one liners from la-la-land. Can there be more? I’ll keep you posted. Heck, if I collect enough maybe I’ll write a book!

That’s all for now. From my funny little spot in the universe, I bid you well.

Over and out.

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A great Thanksgiving/Christmas movie is Planes, Trains and Automobiles which stars John Candy and Steve Martin. (If you haven?t seen I suggest you rent it today. ) All that Neal Page (Steve Martin) wants to do is to get home for Thanksgiving. His flight has been cancelled due to bad weather, so he decides on other means of transport. As well as bad luck, Neal is blessed with the presence of Del Griffith John Candy), Shower Curtain Ring Salesman and all-around blabbermouth, who is never short of advice; conversation, bad jokes, or company. And when he decides that he is going the same direction as Neal. . . . well they get into a whole lot of mishaps. At the end Neal just has to look back and laugh.

You know when you goof around with friends and you hit your funny bone which doesn?t really feel that funny but you are laughing anyway because of the crazy faces your friend is making?

Did you notice that while you are laughing it doesn?t really hurt that much? You don?t feel the pain.

Laughter is the best medicine because it does more then cheer you up?

* Your lung capacity expands, improving respiration and oxygen consumption

* Your immune system is activated – so you can better fight infection. Your body releases more of the protective T cells that fight virus and cancer cells

* Endorphins – your body’s natural painkillers – are released into your brain, decreasing stress.

Laughter helps us get through the physical pain and it reduces mental pain!

When you laugh, you feel more hopeful and optimistic.

When you laugh, you say to yourselves – and to the world – “I REFUSE TO SUFFER!”

Laughter helps us survive the most terrible situations like grief and disappointment. You will come out on the other-side a stronger, better, kinder person.

To every situation there is a funny side you just have to be on the lookout for it. You need to stop trying to be perfect, take a step back and be able to laugh at yourself and the things around you more often ? and just laugh more.

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Have you ever realized that there is better way of sending funny birthday poems for a boyfriend? You are probably sending your funny birthday poem for a boyfriend through the snail mail. Well if you are a member to an online social utility, then it would be easier for you to send messages like those for free. An online social utility is a website where you can sign in or register for free and use all the applications and tools available for you. Post on your blogs, chat online, send messages, post comments on forums and the list goes on.
If you are a member to this social networks or online social utility, your poems can be seen worldwide on the internet or you can make private. When you make it private, it would only be you and whoever you allow to see it. You will the one who will dictate who can and who cannot see your poems. You may also want to create your own group of classmates or friends that are really into poem writing and that kind of stuff.
Memberships to these social interactive networks are mostly free. Becoming a member gives you a lot of choices in terms of sending and communicating to your boyfriend or the people around you. To connect and communicate to people you know cannot be easier. You can find people too, on a network like this. Best of all you can chat online with your boyfriend, relatives, classmates, schoolmates and people you know.
There are other things you can do with your poems. You can write more a let the whole know who wrote them, and then you become an instant celebrity or a well known poem writer. Some people make a living writing poems or write them on a part time basis. And the best vehicle for you to be known and recognize is through this social networks. The benefits of being part these groups are the free access to keep in touch with your friends or boyfriend. Another thing you can do is create a group of people who do the same thing as you do so that you can connect and communicate on how to do things.
It is so common nowadays to be a member of an online social utility network especially younger people. They love being well connected to their classmates and schoolmates that some of them may be registered to two or even five different websites. It is a craze that is going to be very popular especially sending messages and keeping in touch.
In todays world, sending messages are mostly done online or through the internet. Using short messaging services can cost a lot of money if you use too long or more frequently. Whereas, in an online social utility network, it is free and you can do it for hours or as long as you can click the mouse of your computer. Thus, sending a funny birthday poem for a boyfriend can be done easier using a social group or community.

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Jeff Foxworthy, of You Might Be A Redneck fame, relates a funny story about redneck humor. Upon arriving in New York City to further his career, he was told that he was funny – but he was repeatedly advised to drop the accent. The big audiences, they told him, wouldn’t like him with an accent.
Not only did he turn them down, he turned out to be right. Foxworthy, accent and all, is one of the funniest redneck humorists out there – and is currently the most successful funny man in the country. His albums have sold millions, his shows regularly sell out, he’s had two network television shows, movies, DVDs, and even a Sirius radio network dedicated to his trademark “blue collar humor”.
There are some significant differences between redneck humor and what you’d have to call New York humor, as there should be; both types of humor owe a lot to the cultures from which they came.
Redneck humor tends to poke fun at itself; New York humor tends to make fun of other people, often in an emotionally painful way.
Redneck humor relies as much on that slow, methodical delivery of the punchline as on the punchline itself. Other types of humor generally focus on the punchline or on shocking people.
Redneck humor tends to be gentle and, ultimately, loving. It pokes fun at cousin Curtis, who’s known to be kinda slow but still loved by the family. New York humor doesn’t have a lot of love for anybody. Many times, it doesn’t even like anybody else.
Redneck humor does not put on airs. It knows it’s redneck and is comfortable with that. In contrast, a lot of Saturday Night Live humor seems forced, faked, and contrived. It originates from pain instead of from love.
Best of all, redneck humor is “got” by some three-quarters of America. Jeff Foxworthy is currently the most popular humorist in America, and his Blue Collar Comedy Tour helped make the careers of three other comics and sold millions of DVDs. Jerry Clower made a career of truly clean country humor, and he’s been followed by many others, all carrying forward the old tradition of sit-around-the-porch storytelling.
If you pay attention, you find out pretty quick: good redneck humor is the essence of being redneck and/or Southern. It is part of what binds us together, what lets us laugh at the world and at ourselves. A real redneck does not take himself or herself too seriously. And a real redneck uses humor the way we’ve always used it: to make the hard times go down easier, and to give a dose or two of wisdom to one another while we’re doing it.
If you grew up around it, try doing it yourself: ask some of your friends over for beer and barbecue, then sit out on the back porch as the sun goes down, telling stories, inventing new redneck humor and retelling the old stories you remember from your childhood. Light some tiki torches. As the end of the night approaches, let your friends drift away, as you and your love bask in the enjoyment of great food, beer and fun.

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Pretty soon it’s gonna be National Smile Week, and what better way to get those grins cracking than with some humorous and funny quotes? Get ready for your checks to hurt the whole week through. Here are twenty-five funny quotes to get you started.
1. “If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment. ” ~ Dave Allen
2. “The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education. ” ~ Albert Einstein
3. “Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. ” ~ Mae West
4. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. ” ~ Fred Allen
5. “The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. ” ~ Dave Barry
6. “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. ” ~ Josh Billings
7. “Things ain’t what they used to be and probably never was. ” ~Will Rogers
8. “Marriage is the only war where you sleep with the enemy. ” ~ Gary Busey
9. “I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known. ” ~ Walt Disney
10. “Hippies, hippies. . . they want to save the world but all they do is smoke pot and play frisbee!” ~ Eric Cartman
11. “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. ” ~ Flip Wilson
12. “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some. ” ~ Benjamin Franklin
13. “I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. ” ~ Joan Rivers
14. “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. ” ~ Emo Philips
15. “There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva. ” ~ Josh Groban
16. “I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. . . or a game of fake heart attack. ” ~ Demetri Martin
17. “Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts. ” ~ Ruth Gordon
18. “It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner. ” ~ Ben Bergor
19. “Have no fear of perfection–you’ll never reach it. ” ~ Salvador Dali
20. “It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly. ” ~ Oscar Wilde
21. “You grow up the day you have your first real laugh — at yourself. ” ~ Ethel Barrymore
22. “I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments. ” ~ Jim Morrison
23. “I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. ” ~ Winston Churchill
24. “Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ” ~ Jason Hutchison
25. “Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect. ” ~ Benny Hill
Are you smiling yet? Great! Now you’re ready for National Smile Week. Know someone else who needs to exercise their face muscles before the big week actually hits? Why not take these twenty-five funny quotes and share them?

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Dating can be one of the most challenging tasks in a person’s life, so having a few funny questions to ask your next date can certainly break the ice. Why is Dating so Hard?Dating is horribly painful for a very large majority of the population. Those who have found a partner, or have gone on to get married, swear that they **never** want to have to enter the “dating scene” ever again. Why is it so painful?It is painful because most people are terribly self-conscious, and they find it extremely difficult to come up with topics to talk about with a perfect stranger. Throw in the fact that the perfect stranger might actually be so handsome, or so beautiful, that you are caught off guard – and your nerves may get the best of you. This kind of situation can turn a potentially wonderful dating opportunity into a disaster that you could regret for the rest of your life. Funny Questions On a DateYes, dating is a time when you are informally “interviewing” someone about their life, their desires, and their life goals. You are hoping to find a decent match with your own life goals and dreams. But this process of “interviewing” someone doesn’t have to be a nightmare. In fact, learning about someone new in an intimate way can be wonderfully exciting and fun, especially when a little bit of humor is throw into the mix. The following are some questions that you can toss into the conversation, in a light-hearted and joking way, that can serve to break the ice and help both of you realize that you don’t have to take this “dating game” so seriously. Have you ever been arrested?Now, you should never ask your date if they’ve ever been arrested at the very start of the date. But this question is best asked after a few serious questions. It will interject a tone of humor into an otherwise serious discussion, and will hopefully get your date laughing and will set you both at ease. The conversation would go something like this. You: “So what do you do for work?”Date: “Oh. . . I’m a beautician, I cut hair, and I also do makeup. “You: “Oh that’s great! You must enjoy talking to people then. “Date: “Absolutely, I love people – I’m totally a social butterfly. “You: “I love it! I am too. . and do you have a big family, brothers. . sisters?”Date: “No. . . I’m an only child. My parents pretty much ignored me. . that’s why I’m so independent now. “You: “I’m an only child too! Wow, we have so much in common. . . we’re both social, we’re both the ‘only child’. . . have you ever been arrested?”As she looks at you with a raised eyebrow and a quizzical look, you should wait a few seconds and then laugh. . . “I am SO joking. . . “The question immediately breaks up the monotony of a question and answer session, and prevents it from feeling like a formal job interview. As she laughs, it will help her reflect on the fact that this isn’t a job interview – and that you are willing to take matters lightly. You will immediately notice her relax. Other Funny Questions for a DateSome other odd questions to toss out in order to lighten up the mood includes:
What’s your favorite midnight snack?What is the one, single food that you would never give up?What is your weirdest “quirk”?Do you have any relatives in jail?Have you ever gone cow-tipping?What’s your worst pet peeve??
The important thing is to come up with a question that would catch someone off guard, but you should also avoid being vulgar or rude. The question should be light-hearted, and just odd enough (and asked with the right inflection or tone of voice), so that your date can’t help but chuckle. Humor is the ultimate ice-breaker, and used the right way, it can change an ordinary date into one for the record books.
Visit www. questionsthatmakeyouthink. com for books, quotes, information and resources about questions that make you think.

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So you think that you are a real comedian but you don’t want to get up on stage. Well then, you still have an outlet for your obscure sense of humor, by creating your own funny graphic t-shirts. So, how do you get started and is it going to be expensive? The good news, is that now thanks to the Internet you can get started right now and it is cheaper than it has ever been before. Digital Printing TechnologyThere are a few things that you are going to have to understand though, before you get started. The first thing, is that if your design has a lot of bright colors in it, you will most likely want to go with a service that offers the latest digital printing technology. Also, you will want to have your designs printed on light colored fabrics. Silk ScreeningPeople still do silk screening and most online services will provide it, but if you are going to require a lot of colors in your design, it is going to cost you. This is because with silk screening, a separate printing frame has to be created for each color in your design. Then a separate pass with each color has to be made on the shirt in the silk screening process. Just Like on Paper On the other hand, if you go with digital printing, your custom funny graphic t-shirts will be printed out in one pass, the exact same way that a digital printer prints on paper. Also, with digital printing there is usually no minimum order requirement. This is because your custom design is simply loaded into the printers memory, just the same as you would do with paper at Kinkos. Small Orders – Larger OrdersSo, if all that you are interested in is a few custom t-shirts then you will definitely want to have them printed on a digital printer. On the pother hand, if you are interested in ordering a larger number of custom t-shirts, you may end up saving money by having them silk screened.

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